Question by Chika Chula: 2nd Time in Rehab Please read this…I Beg You!!!?
I am 24 years old the mother of a 19month old girl. I work on the weekends and live with my parents. I have been living with them for 20 months. I left my husband a month before I gave birth because he decided to go back to alcohol/cocaine and he attempted to break a chair over my belly(when I was pregnant) My husband went into rehab(9month program) when our daughter was 2 months old. I stood by his side through the entire process(9months) to show him my love, loyalty, falithfulness, and to encourage. (I did this after all the crap he did to me and to my daughter as well) My husband finished the program (August2008-the same month our daughter turned 1) To not make this story so long my husband got out of rehab went back to his mothers home and started working again, out of all the paychecks he received he only gave me$for our daughter twice. The rest of his$ he decided to spend it off on cocaine and alcochol. He did this for about 3month and he is back at the same rehab place where he graduated from. He pawned his wedding ring and I struggled so much to pay for both his and mine. So now I am stuck w/ a little pawn shop paper that says I owe 0 if I want that ring back. My husband went back to the rehab center because he got fired from his job, and neither his family or mine let his move in knowing very well that he had fallen back to his old habits. At his job he had it pretty darn good. He was working at a motel& also living there for free! He never took advantage of the opportunity to save since he had no bills to pay for. He promised and promised me that he was going to save$ so that we could move into an apartment and be a family again. I believed him and I thought this time it was really going to happen. But for the 2nd time he crushed all my hopes and dreams. He found it easy to go back to rehab because surprisingly the rehab center is free of charge, free food, free clothes, free shelter, free trips to go watch proffesional sports, and they even get an allowance of weekly once they stay in the program for 3months!!! He has apologized trillions of times, but his actions obviosuly spoke louder than his words and promises. I feel that it is time to move on and worry about my daughter and I. I thank God I have my parents to help me, and I also thank God for my job. I am able to work on the weekends (overnight) support my daughter and help my parents with a bill or two. My husband called me today and told me that he wants to get a divorce and thinks that it is better if he signs his rights away as a father, which I dont really care for the child support$because my parents have been helping me raise her and provide for her, and of course now with the job I have I am able to ease the load from my parents back (which is know my parents dont and never will see it that way, but I am happy to help and buy my daughters food, clothes,and toys) I am so sad and I have been crying myself to sleep for the past 2 nights (since Monday when he called me from the rehab center) I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like a failure. I hate to think that my daughter will never have her daddy around, and it breaks my heart to see her run around the house calling me dad (her grandfather) “papi” I tried my best to save my marriage and to stand by his side but I cant do it anymore I dont want to worry about someone that doesnt care to change. I am confused and I dont know where to go or who to go to in order to get this process started and if its possible to get some financial help with the divorce process/paper work. Thank you all for your answers please pray for me.
Best answer:
Answer by beautiful_mayhem
You file the divorce and go after his rights. If you wait for him to do it, he might not. He is a junkie and will do anything to screw you over.
Go now and file that divorce. Get the rights taken away and get a restraining order against him. *in before gold squid*
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he is an addict. nothing is more important to him than that.
It isn’t his fault, but you can’t let him get away with promises that never happen.
I’m sorry his request sort of wrecks your hopes for the fuutre, but so long as he is an addict, that dream was not going to come true.
you should start going to Al-anon so you get some understanding and some distance. talk to a lawyer about the pluses and minuses of of letting him sign away his rights.
this is probably way too far in the future for you right now, but your daughter really can have a better father.
He will have to pay you child support once you gain full custody of your child.
You should phone a lawyer for advice. Advice is free, so it wont cost you a penny to get some good useful information.
Call a divorce lawyer, look them up in the yellow pages and explain your whole story (everything you just said and more). They will tell you the best thing to do for you and let you know how much money you can get out of this. It wont cost you anything until you actually hire the lawyer and hopefully the settlement you get from your ex will pay off the lawyer too (or you split it).
Dont worry. Life goes on and youll feel better once its over and done with.
What your doing is the right thing!
Call a lawyer, ask family members, ask other divorced parents you know for advice.
I’m sorry I can’t help you with information regarding your divorce process, but after reading your story I am touched. You have brought tears to my eyes. From what I have read your an amazingly strong person, and I’m amazed that you have coped with what you have been through so well.
You are absolutely not a failure. You can not beat yourself up for this. Be proud that you saved your daughter from what could have been an absolute cunt of a father to your daughter (Please excuse my language). Be proud that your still standing.
Everybody has another chance for love, and I hope that a man walks into your life, treats you and your daughter like diamonds, and realises what an amazingly strong and whole hearted person you are.
Keep fighting, I will be praying for you. Dont let this man get you down. You have brought light into my own life in a dark time for me just by reading what you have been through.
If you need an ear, dont be shy to email me; graffik@slingshot.co.nz, I would be more than happy to do whatever I can to help someone like yourself.
I wish you the best! God bless you
he has some nerve to ask you for a divorce. he probably wants it so he can have more money for drugs. i think he also wants to sign over his rights so he won’t have to pay child support. your parents may be helping you now but you never know when you’ll need that child support. you didn’t do anything wrong. and i think to sign his rights away, you have to have another man. at least i think so i forgot. i wouldn’t let him do it. i don’t know what his problem is but he’s going to regret giving you up for drugs. but go ahead and talk to your parents about divorcing. just because he wants to ruin his life doesn’t mean he has to ruin your child’s and your life too.
I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. Your husband is a real loser but you already know that. You are not a failure, he is. I think he wants to give up his parental rights so that he doesn’t have to pay child support. I think you should talk to a lawyer to find out just what to do. I think also that you could talk to social services and they can tell you what kinds of help are available to you. Good Luck and keep on loving that little girl. You will eventually meet a decent man who will love both of you.
First of all. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I just got married on Valentines Day 2009 and I’m only 18 years old but I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life. I haven’t been able to see my husband though because he left 10 days after we got married to go to the Air Force basic training. In my opinion, my husband will always come first after God, then my children. Although, I know you did all you could to “save” him and your marriage. First of all, it is NOT your fault that he did this to you and your daughter. Second of all, your daughter is your priority now and you have to do whatever is best for her. I won’t say I understand what you’re going through because I don’t but always pray and stay strong in your walk with God. He can get you through anything and he never throws anything at you that you can’t handle. Some day, you’ll find another man, who is much better to you and can provide for your family. My sister got married and had a baby who is now 4 years old. She divorced her ex-husband because he was doing drugs and becoming an alcoholic. Now, I don’t know much about divorce and such because my parents are still together and I didn’t talk to my sister much. Although, I do know that divorces cost a lot but in your case, its worth it. You can contact any law firms and they will get you started. Trust me, you will definitely be in my prayers tonight. Good luck and God bless.
Well, because he “signs his rights away” doesn’t mean crap to the courts.
Still means you can hit him up for spousal and child support. Many times if the father doesn’t pay, the state will pay. Go ahead and let him file.
You really are better of without someone who has those kinds of problems, but I seriously doubt he will stay gone. People like that usually come around looking for something sooner or later. Their usual trip is making others feel sorry for them or making them feel guilty for not helping them.
I will say that first off, I commend you for staying so strong through everything that’s happened to you. But I will say this: leave him now, and you won’t regret it. I haven’t met a soul who has.
He’s chosen cocaine/alcohol over you and your daughter more than once, and if you stay with him any longer, he’ll do it again. This is in no way your fault, unless you’ve been pushing the drugs into his system, which I strongly doubt you’re doing. I can’t stress that enough, he’s done this to himself, and you are in no way to blame.
If you’re worried about your daughter not having a father, I would say (from some experience, I’ve had very close friends with deadbeat fathers) that as long as the mother gives enough love, she’ll be just fine, especially since you have your parents helping you out so much. That’s an incredibly lucky thing you have going for you.
You also have the benefit of being young, you still have time to find someone better who’ll love your daughter and be a father to her, even if she’s not his own. I promise you, there are men out there who would love to be able to take care of your daughter properly.
Before you do anything, the best would be to sit and clear your mind and think of the most important part: what’s best for your daughter?
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck, you’ll both be in my prayers tonight.
Wow. You have an incredible story. I feel your pain and frustration. I’m glad that you’re doing something positive for you and your daughter. You did all you could for you marriage, but it was a sinking ship.
You can file for divorce with no fee based on your income. Just go down to the family courthouse and get all the paperwork. Good luck.
You definitely have my prayers. You are also going to get my feedback. You need to stop wondering what you did wrong or blaming yourself, thinking you are a failure. His addiction is about HIM, not you. And in all honesty, you even considering relieving him of his responsibility as a father is a form of enabling. Addicts count on the people closest to them to give them permission to dump their responsibilities on other people. STOP! If you really want to help him, hold him accountable. He’s an adult and he has a responsibility as a father. When you “stood by his side” through his first rehab, did you happen to go to any family groups or community support for partners of substance abusers? If you did, and your motive was to be there for HIM, then you missed the entire point of that part of his treatment. What did you do for YOU when he was in rehab, to help yourself get well and learn how to take care of yourself?
If you really want to help yourself and your daughter, go buy the book “Codependent No More” by Melodie Beatty. Read it and learn! Start going to some community support groups, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Codependents Anonymous. You need as much help as he does. Right now you may not be able to see that. Trust me, you do. And when you go, do it exclusively for you, not to understand or support him. The more work you do on yourself now, the less likely you will be to repeat choosing someone as dysfunctional as your husband.
As a recovering addict ( alcoholic ) with over 21 yrs of sobriety i can only state what worked for me.I found through trial and error that the only way to stay sober was to do it for myself and know one else–not family,not my wife,religion or anything just for me.In AA i found that it really is a selfish program.Your husband hasn’t hit bottom yet,and until he’s sick and tired of being sick and tired,and really wants the program,it wont work for him.
There are programs out there like Alanon that will help YOU cope with his disease,join one… for right now your a CO. and your just enabling him….not helping.Remember you have to take care of your self and children…he is a danger to both right now.
When i was drunk i was a 1st class asshole,and cared about nothing except getting that drink,and i used whoever and whatever for that purpose………and i am stil one drink away from again being that person
I found that ex drunks got me sober and a continuing program with ex drunks has kept me that way.Addiction is a LIFE LONG disease..you just don’t get “well and wonderful” and it’s ok.
Please..right now you need to be out for yourself and kids..there’s no room for him in your life…….and maybe there never will be..and thats ok too.Peace
Why did you give your husband the cocaine?
Why did you mix the drinks for him?
oh, you didn’t?
Then why do you think that you have any part of this?
This is not your deal. In life, you have to stand up and defend your own heart – FIRST!
You are not protecting your heart first – you are acting out in love to work on your husband’s heart. STOP IT! His heart is not your deal now!
Why you feel like a failure?
Because you are embracing his trash as YOUR own! STOP IT!
You are the classic codependent. In some ways this is not wrong. It shows the empathy and compassion you have for another. This is a strong trait for therapists and counselors but they don’t get “sucked” into the life of the client. You are being sucked in – big time.
File for the divorce and get your life back. If things work out – you can always get remarried. In the mean time – your whole responsibility is to YOURSELF! Cut him off for in your contact you are supporting his bad behavior. As long as you keep “supporting” him – he really has no reason to change.
Your whole entire 4-billion-word post is about your loser of a husband. You need to seriously pull your head out of your nether regions and realise that you have bigger fish to fry than to agonise over how many more years of your life you should waste on “standing by him to prove your loyalty”. You have a child now and she has the first claim on you and all you have to give – loyalty, love, caring, the whole lot. Put that mess you call a marriage behind yourself and focus on building a better future for yourself and your daughter. The dopehead you married can never be a part of that – not if you want a normal, happy, balanced life for your child, that is.
hay look it sucks. u know it, but just as u didn’t get to pick all the traits of your kid.she does not get to pick those of dad. its both of your jobs to hlp on another FOR THE YOUNG ONE so she will be ready for all the bad in the world. no one wants to see their child go through the same death ride on drugs.they went through or are going through tell him its his job for christs sake. spend time with gods blessing it wont kill him
Ok this is why God did not bless me with a daughter. Where is your father, First he attempted to break a chair over your stomach while you were pregnant with his child (Does that say I love you). You would have been attending a funeral if you were my Daughter. Second He pawn his wedding ring you bought (Does that say I love you). He has been in and out of rehab for coke and alcohol. I sorry young lady I am 26 years old with two sons and I was never raised that way. He does not show you or his own flesh and blood love, if he did he would not do the things he has done to you. He will not change you should see that now. Take your lost and move on to bigger and better things. There is a REAL man out there for you that will not touch you hit you or leave you and your daughter. Remember Love does not hurt Love is kind. God Bless J. Miller