In ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT / Tags: Alcoholics, Anonymous, deflating, esteem, self, severe, someone, steps, useful /
Question by cloudhop23: Are the ego deflating steps in Alcoholics anonymous useful for someone with severe low self esteem?
My aunt is a sponser for AA, (which is scary for me since she has a very narcissictic and controlling, abusive personality). She told me to try working the 12 steps to help me get over my rape and captivity as a child.
(I don’t drink BTW)
But I don’t see how deflating my ego and dwelling on all my faults is helpful in recovering from this?
I mean, I do that everyday anyways and its a pattern I’m trying to break, it just doesn’t make sense to me.
Best answer:
Answer by The VN was worth it
If you can see clearly that this is pointless for you…and I agree that it is, then you are one tiny step away from saying, I will no longer feel bad about this. I didn’t do anything wrong and what happened to me didn’t change the important parts of who I am.
And then never think about it again.
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I am not knowledgeable about AA but I know they do help people like my nephew. But I don’t think it is something to help someone who is a survivor of trauma like you. I think you would benefit more from counseling and being able to talk to someone about your feelings about your experience. Reading books about people who have survived terrible events can also be helpful, like reading about holocaust survivors. I don’t know that AA is about deflating egos but I can’t see how that would help you anyway. Some people think that when they are part of some type of organization that everyone should share the same ideas. They just don’t see that it isn’t one size fits all.
Oh sweetie.
One thing you have to understand is that AA has rescued a lot of people, and often because it has been a catalyst for change, those people come to think that AA is the only way to deal with stuff.
Tho it is helpful and effective, I dont think it is the answer for what you are trying to overcome.
I do have lots of resources to recommend to you but dont want to take the liberty of assuming where you are at in your healing.
You are welcome to email me and talk more about it.
They help areas of self esteem, by about 50%. But in your case, you will benefit from an anxiety medication, Paxil maybe. And to get over your rape, the 12 steps will help, but you must get a professional to work with you, like it says in “How It Works”. I hop I answered your questions.
Most alcoholics are, as you have observed,”very narcissictic, controlling, abusive”. Oddly enough, they also have “severe low self esteem”. So you’re sort of in the right place. AA is all about dealing with this complex mess.
However, many people are just fine where they are and don’t ask for help. They like dwelling on their problems, and they like drinking and drugging. In those cases, there’s nothing AA can do. Your aunt may be “very narcissictic, controlling, abusive”, but at least she’s not drunk, too. So most likely her life is better than it was.
By the way, 12-step groups don’t “dwell upon all your faults”. That’s not what they do.
Anyway, you don’t have to listen to her. You can stay exactly as you like to be. But if you ever decide that you want to get away from stuff that haunts you from the past because it’s becoming a real nuisance, then try a self-help group. 12-Step groups are good place to start – and they’re free.
Bill Wilson believed that all alcoholics were the same, just like him, in need of ego deflation. Some of his followers feel that the 12 Steps were divinely inspired and apply to all problems.
They are fanatics.
Some people believe that Wilson was a classic example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that the program appeals to people with a similar makeup. See:
The Funny Spirituality of Bill Wilson and A.A.
http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-funny_spirituality.html
I work in mental health, primarily with those who have coexisting substance issues. Many people drink or drug in order to mask the symptoms of anxiety or depression and are the last people in need of ego deflation, many end up worse for their experience in AA. Victims of rape often suffer from PTSD, you may find talking with a professional helpful.
Your aunt, although she may mean well, is wrong and way out of her league here. You were a victim, not the product of an overblown ego, and her efforts have a far higher potential for harm rather than good. You know the expression, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”? Well, your aunt’s only tool is the 12 Steps.
I would suggest your try to find a rape survivors group, check with your local YWCA, United Way, or NAMI.
AA has a lot of controlling people as sponsors. I do not think the 12 steps are useful in your situation. I suggest you tactfully just tell your aunt to mind her own business. This is something you will have to work out yourself. If you need help I suggest you find a good therapist to help you through this. You did say your aunt is a controlling person so she does not need to be telling you how to live your life. She is your aunt though but just don’t let her control you.
Oh my gracious! NO. I was in AA for many years and while I have many objections to the program, probably the worst part of it for me was that it made it much harder for me to deal with my low self-esteem and childhood trauma. For example, I was told to “make amends” to my abusive, mentally ill mother, to “look at my part” in the abuse I endured, and given no tools to deal with life other than to pray and look for my character defects. Plus, the whole program is centered on powerlessness–the last thing a person like me (or you) needs is to be disempowered more than we already are.
What helped me the most was individual therapy with a very kind, knowledgeable, non-12-step therapist (a clinical social worker, actually) who helped me to process my trauma and build healthy self esteem. I do consider myself healed now, whereas in AA one is encouraged to believe that they are never, ever healed, always sick.
Regarding your aunt, I would simply thank her for her suggestion and then ignore it. I hope she does not try to pressure you, but if she does, you can turn the tables on her by telling her that she is “self-will run riot” and should talk to her sponsor about her control issues.
You explanation helped me understand your question.
AA is NOT appropriate for your experiences. It’s for addicts. Not childhood trauma.
I recommend cognitive therapy. Check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns/dp/0688094554/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1248635946&sr=8-1
or its longer version
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249165466&sr=8-1
And get some counseling–Again, I would recommend a cognitive therapist.
Those experiences of yours were severe, and you need help in dealing with them.
By the way, people–like your aunt (who is well-meaning)–who have been helped by a program have a tendency to recommend that program for every kind of problem. Thank her, but go your own way.
Sorry to hear about your difficulties in the past. Best wishes.