2010-07-26
In ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT / Tags: alcoholicIn, Alcoholics, blame, children, Ever, instead, kind, nondrinking, parent, reversal /
Question by Lily: Do children of alcoholics ever blame the non-drinking parent instead of the alcoholic?In a kind of reversal?
Do you or anyone you know ever blame the non-drinking parent for not protecting you from the things you saw or heard or the way of living etc?
Any opinions or experience would be good!
Best answer:
Answer by Jillian
Interesting question but i haven’t really heard of anyone doing that myself
Add your own answer in the comments!
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my mom is an alcoholic, she has been sober now for 6 mths after a brief relapse, throughout my childhood she was off and on drunk, she would go through spells where for 3-4 mths she would be drunk to the point of passing out everyday, then maybe she’d be sober for awhile. there was a point where she was sober for 7 years, then slipped, my dad drank with her in the beginning, they’d have little party’s, music blaring, drinks pouring, friends over. I dont blame my dad for my moms problems, I blame him for getting buzzed himself when my mom was drunk enough for both of them, I am slowly understanding alcoholism more, blaming gets you nowhere, I have a relationship, a good one, with my mom when she is sober, if she relapses, I back away from her until she gets on her feet, my dad is passed away, so no need for hard feelings,lol I choose to go on with my life and not hold a grudge, im thankful for the days I do have with my mom.
my dad is an alcoholic he and my mum split when i was 3 because of it, i was never protected from my dads drinking and saw everything that went on but i wish my mum did protect me from it because most alcoholics when they are drinking, dnt care about anything or anyone else, most of my childhood memories are not so good because of this. if i was in that position myself now where my partner was an alcoholic i would defo try my hardest so that my daughter didnt see what was going on.
i guess if the child was kept in the situation then yes they could. my father is an alcoholic depressive. my mum left him when i was 5 years old and i saw him very rarely, im 22 now and see him more frequently as he has gotten better. i went through phases of rebelling against my mum for numerous reasons, she kept me away from him …as a young girl i didnt understand why i couldnt stay at dads although she tried to explain it, i just wanted to see him, but he was either too drunk or not in at all, for some reason that didnt phase me, i just wanted to see my dad. so in a way i always thought my mum was stopping me from having a relationship with him. its different now that i understand. so my mother did remove me from that situation, but sometimes she still got the brunt of the issues i had surroundng my father, being out of teh situation doesnt make it go away, for me it was worse because i couldnt grasp teh concept of it all not being there to see wht he was really like, left alot of unresolved issues.
My dad was a closet alcoholic, and when I was nearly 15, my mother apparently told him, “It’s drinking or me.” At the time I didn’t understand because he kept it under wraps so no one else had to know, so why was she doing this? Dad told her she was free to leave, then started telling everyone she had been “mentally unstable” for years — which was only sort of true, and very understandable given that she had a terminal heart condition.
So, for years I blamed her for imploding our family when if she’d just kept her mouth shut and kept up appearances, things could have stayed the same and we could have pretended to be happy and just lived life on the surface. I was very angry with her for screwing things up and refused to live with her. She killed herself a couple of years later, shortly before my 17th birthday. Despite my anger, I loved her immensely, still miss her everyday and wish she had not overreacted.
Only after my dad died of alcohol-related complications when I was 28 did I realize that my mom had done the right thing — about the only thing she could do — and it had backfired. If I had seen the drinking problem before he died, I would have done the same thing — told him I was not going to watch him die and he needed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and get off the alcohol immediately.
What confuses me still is that my father was a school counselor in his full time job and an alcohol and drug counselor for the Air National Guard in his part time job. He helped other people with their substance abuse problems, and was apparently very good at it. I do not understand why he was so opposed to facing and getting help for his own addiction that he threw my mother out, ruined her reputation and turned me against her just to continue using. I mean, he was a great guy and I don’t believe for a moment that using was more important to him than family, but his actions would indicate it was.
Unfortunately, being a closet alcoholic means the loved ones don’t see it. I have to say I STILL wish my mother could have predicted how horribly her action would backfire on her and kept quiet though. But I no longer blame her for taking the risk as I know she felt she had to do it.
I do know of some that do. It is not all that uncommon. The non drinker is scared and doesn’t know how to protect their children so they turn a blind eye. It’s not that they don’t see it or care. They themselves have been victimized and don’t know what to do.
My dad’s an alcoholic. I’ve never blamed my mom; she tries her best to take care of my sister and me while dealing with him.
i wish you could stop worrying about yore dad
it ain’t gonna help to worry
My father was an alcoholic, and yes for a long time I blamed my mother because she stayed with him until I was 17. I have always felt that life would have been better if she’d left him and we’d gone it alone. I now of course realize that yeah maybe we would have been better or maybe we wouldn’t have.
At least I wouldn’t have had to live with him every day. He was mentally abusive and at times physically abusive too.
However I now realize she did the best she could. She did everything she could to save her marriage. In such a situation that is all any of us can do…the best we can.
Let go of your anger, and forgive. In such a situation how do you know you would have done any better?