In ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT / Tags: Essay, help, please, revising /
Question by Paxton: Essay revising please help!?
Hey! I am applying for my 10th grade year at Phillips Exeter/ Andover/ St. Paul’s. This is one of the essays I have written for my application. Could you please help me by telling me if this essay is good enough and if there are any corrections in it that need to be made.
The fighting came first, the bitter arguments in middle of the night. There were multiple nights filled with commotion, each one the same: I would lay in my bed listening to the sound of breaking booze bottles and enraged yelling while I tried to stare at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to my ceiling and count sheep. Most children find their parents divorce one of the darkest most dismal periods of their lives. Although I do not enjoy reflecting upon it, it was indeed one of the most life changing events of my youth. When you see a driver run a red light and get hit by an oncoming 18-wheeler and die, this event cannot help but imprint in your mind, forevermore making you mortified of running a light. When I was 7 years old, the entire month of November was this car crash. I was not sent into depression by my parents divorce, but rather took it as a essential lesson in how not to live your life. In my naïve youth I questioned why my parents no longer loved each other when they had so much before. Now as I reflect upon this childish pondering I realized that drinking had been the cause of my parents separation. This brief moment was no doubt a 13 year old’s epiphany. In the hour after I realized this I cried harder and longer than I ever had before, I was overwhelmed with emotion. My mind could not comprehend a simple drink breaking apart the supposedly eternal bonds of marriage. I loved both my parents infinitely and I knew after watching them both attend years of Alcoholics Anonymous that I did not want something as trivial as alcohol to ruin my life. I had heard them refer to alcoholism as a disease, a disease in which you inflicted upon yourself. I silently pledged to myself that night as I looked up at those same glow-in-the-dark stars, that I would never let this self caused ailment to spoil even one night of my life, and I would do this by never taking a sip of that terrible drink that changed my life forever.
Id really love it if someone would answer.
Best answer:
Answer by llaura4ever
i love it and i dont see any errors!
What do you think? Answer below!
2 ResponsesLeave a comment ?
I wouldn’t think this is appropriate material for an application.
First of all, it’s airing dirty laundry. Your parents problems as well as their triumphs are theirs, the school wants to know about you. Phillips Exeter demands a certain bearing, this confessional strips it away.
Second, there are pro-AA and anti-AA people, pro-disease and anti-disease theory people. You have no idea who will be reading that.
And third, many people, especially in the pro-AA, pro-disease theory camp will believe that you are a prime candidate for becoming an alcoholic despite what you say at this point in your life. Alcohol is a temptation in boarding schools, they want to minimize the possibilities.
Not a bad piece of work, save it for Creative Writing.
Knock out booze in ‘booze bottles,’
No need for enraged in ‘enraged yelling,’
No need for plastic in ‘plastic glow-in-the-dark stars,’
…count sheep..(to try and get some sleep),
…but (make an) imprint,
You need to emphasize more that the car (truck) crash was the fighting,
Explain what AA is,
Maybe call the ‘glow-in-the-dark ‘ something else like ‘ fading luminous’ just to avoid repetition.
There is a subtle difference between an ‘Ailment’ and Affliction.
This is a good story.