Question by Triplel1973: Is my husband an alcoholic?
I have been married to my husband for nearly 6 years now. I know he has a drinking problem, although he says that everything is under control. There have been many incidents over the years that have led me to this conclusion. This morning my sister-in-law came to me and handed me several pamphlets with information about Alcoholism and Alcoholics Anonymous for me to read. I said thank you and told her that I would read them. How would you have reacted to this? I have been talking lately with my MIL extensively about this problem, and she and I are in agreement that my husband needs help. We ALSO agree that unless he is willing to admit that he has a problem, there is not much ANY of us can do! Personally, I have been dealing with this situation with him for nearly 7 years, and his Mom and the rest of the family for about 10 years. It is to the point where his behavior when he drinks is causing problems with our relationship and also his relationships with his parents and siblings as well. Despite the fact that we love him very much, we are all growing tired of it. I personally have been contemplating leaving him and feel guilt-ridden about these thoughts, but I don’t know how much more I can take. Part of me feels that I would be abandoning him, but I am tired of living this way! He has voluntarily attended alcohol awareness programs twice in the past. It goes without saying that I or none of us can or should try to “force” him to attend AA. We have no children yet. I really am at a crossroads between continuing to stay and try to “help” someone who denies there is a problem and running like hell before another 7 years goes by! What are your suggestions?
Just for the record, this was not an issue while we dating. It started after we were married and has escalated from there.
Best answer:
Answer by Rebekah
You answered your own question. The only thing you can do for him is get yourself to alanon.
Give your answer to this question below!
17 ResponsesLeave a comment ?
First and foremost do not have any kids untilyou get this under control and sort out your feelings.
My father was an alcoholic. My mom forced him into rehab when she was pregnant but because he didn’t want it himself it didn’t help and years later resulted in divorce.
Talk to him about how you feel and that it is hurting your marriage. If he will not make changes you should not feel guilt.
Don’t spend your life miserable, and don’t assume it will get better on its own.
YOU take yourself to Al-non (for families dealing with an alcoholic). You are right – until he admits to a problem and seeks help you and others can’t make him do anything.
If its gets worse, you do have the option of a temporary separation and let him hit bottom before he will seek help. But stop all enabling of his habit. That means you refuse to buy him alcohol and you don’t cook for him or clean his clothes. Let him realize what he will miss and maybe that will open his eyes to his problem. But Al-non can help you with what you need to be doing.
And please do what ever you need NOT to get pregnant. Personally, I would stop all sex with him till you decide what the final outcome is.
You may feel guilt, but that’s normal. No mater what the addiction is, it’s always the same. Just like p*rn addiction–the man turns to it instead of his wife. He’s doing the same thing, only with alcohol.
Try having an intervention. Have your family say a few things to him & maybe he’ll come around. Threaten him with you leaving him, not supporting him, not talking to him. Same for the family. If you’ve ever seen the show “Intervention,” it’s a great show, & it does wonders for people. The more threats the person got from the family, the more they leaned towards the idea of rehab.
Do everything you can for this man, he needs help, & it’s a great thing that you recognized the problem.
You have not told us enough about your husband’s drinking specifics to answer the question. He may be an alcoholic. AA will not do him any good unless he wants to stop drinking. I suggest you try AlAnon.
Also, go to an AA meeting near you and introduce yourself to some of the people there. They will be more than willing to talk to you and visit your husband. Good luck.
Get him help better safe than sorry.
If everything is putting a told on your family
And he’s affecting it then do something asap
Your right, before anything can be done he must realize he has a problem.
I once saw a show in which an alcoholic was confronted by lining up all the empty beer bottles and showing it to them. Upon seeing the mass number of bottles created in such a short space of time the person came to realize that this was not just a few drinks here and there, but a problem. Perhaps a similar shock to the system would help?
Most important is to show your support, and let him know that you will be his rock during his rehabilitation.
By staying with him you are enabling him to think everything is OK when it is not and you need to remove yourself rom him entirely, move out, and let him know that when he starts attending AA and continues for a few months, you will consider moving back in with him, but if you do not take this step he will never be motivated to go. You can plan an intervention with you and other family members and give him the choice of getting sober via AA and keeping his family or staying drunk and losing everything, then you all need to do it.
Yes, there is little hope. Very few alcoholics ever get cured. Even with AA. It is an anger problem. They turn to drink because they are afraid to express their anger. And, expressing their anger brings about the fear of abandonment.
I would have more confidence in anger management classes. They should be available if you live in a larger city. Also check out my source and read about “The Framing of Anger: How to Blow Your Top Safely.”
You will not be able to get him help – that’s ultimately up to him.
You can and should get yourself help – go to AlAnon meetings, get support. It could be the difference between supporting his recovery and being an enabler – plus it can save your life.
You need support so it’s good that you have people around you who are willing, just make sure the decisions you make are the best for you.
Have you talked to your husband? Does he know you are concerned, does he know he is hurting you and the relationship? It may be the most awful conversation that you ever have but if you don’t get it all out there, he’ll never see how his disease affects others, this may give him the jolt he needs to change. Don’t be surprised if he freaks out, just be safe.
I wish you luck because it sucks.
Get him help if you want to stay, otherwise don’t let his actions control yours. What happens when he’s driving home drunk, kills somone, and everything you have built your life on together is suddenly gone? Being married means there are 2 people’s assets to consider so think about that.
If you have been trying to get him to stop drinking this long with no success, perhaps it is time to consider ending the marriage. Maybe you’re leaving him will motivate him to take AA seriously if he wants you back enough. If you are not more important than his alcohol, then you need to find someone better. I have a son like that, and he has alienated our entire family. I love him, but I dread being around him because of his alcoholism. If he were my husband, I would leave him, but he is my son, so I can’t. You, however, would be able to give up on a lost cause who has used you enough.
If your question is “Is my Husband an Alcoholic”, then I think you know the answer. If someone isn’t willing to change their behavior even when it’s hurting their significant other, then yes, they have a problem. But you do have a choice. It sounds harsh, but the fact of the matter is, you don’t have to be pulled down with him. If he chooses to live his life like that, then that’s his choice. Not yours. You can let him know (and stand by it) that you are unwilling from now on to continue living the way you are. Unless he seeks help, you will not be a part of his destroying himself.
Well no one can make him go, like you said he has to go willingly. You have to decide whether you want to wait or not. Maybe all of you guys should stop talking to him and let him face his own demonds alone. I had a uncle who smoked crack for years and he just recently learned that no one was gonna be around him unless he helped himself. No one helped him when he needed help. He had no money and began living on the streets, his wife left him and so on. So, he went and turned himself into rehab, because he realized he had had a problem and that he was his own problem and that no one could help him but himself. So, thats exactly what he did. Help himself. Give him some tough love!
You cant leaveh im when he was like this when you marriedhim, you went into the marriage knowing about his problem.
I would suggest a intervention with all the family. show him how much he drinks in a week, and give hi mthe pamplets, if his family is upportive he might be more willing to work on it.
You certainly can leave him, no matter when this started. Alcoholism is a disease, but drinking is a choice he makes each day. You have the right to choose a life free of the chaos he creates. Also, you are married to him, but he’s married to the booze. The best suggestion here is that you go to an AA meeting and ask some people to visit him.
Yeah! Welcome to the Club!
I have been sober for 10.5 years and was a member of AA for nine.
You are absolutely correct that “forcing” your husband to go to AA will be a waste of time. There is no magic in AA. People who go to AA get sober at about the same rate as do people who quit on their own. The key is motivation, not AA or any other program.
Plus, AA tends to promote some really sick behavior which can be very distressing to spouses of AA members. For one thing, AA members are taught to put their recovery before their marriages, to take their problems to the group first…when I was in the program, for example, my sponsor told me not to trust anyone who wasn’t in AA because no one else could understand me! And there are lots of affairs in AA…it’s like a meat market half the time, what with all the hugging and gossip and sexual carrying on.
As far as you going to Al-Anon, please understand that Al-Anon is ALSO a “recovery program”. It is exactly like AA, only the addiction you are trying to recover from is the “disease” of being “addicted to the alcoholic”. Yeah right. If anything is more nuts than AA, it is Al-Anon.
Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s how I see it after YEARS of hanging around in these groups.
The best thing I can suggest is a lot simpler and doesn’t involve faith healing or the 12 step cults. Just go to a good, competent therapist. You are confused, and rightly so. You are in a place in your life where you could make a clean break and move on, and many people in your position would do exactly that. Others would not. Ultimately it is your decision, but sometimes when such a big decision needs to me made, even the best of us need some help to sort it all out. That is what I suggest you do, and I wish you the best of luck with it.