Question by B5E: My ex is in drug rehab and wants the kids to come visit. Do i have to let them go?
http://drugrehab.iblogger.org/
My ex husband is in drug rehab and wants me to either bring the kids who are 5 and 8 up there
to see him or allow his mother to bring them. This is his 3rd stint in rehab that i am aware
of. The kids havent seen him since Christmas eve. I personally do not believe that is an
environment for them to be in. They dont know that he is an addict.
http://drugrehab.iblogger.org/ I am trying to avoid the questions this will bring up by them
that I dont think they will understand.
Best answer:
Answer by dream
tell him that you will send pictures of the kids but he needs to complete the program(graduate from it) to see the kids.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
19 ResponsesLeave a comment ?
I think as long as he is on the right path he should be able to see them. when he is using then he shouldn’t!
The children are suffering too.
It could encourage him to stay clean
Yes, but only if you go. If you go, you will know what is going on and can take them if something bad happens. They are very young, and would like to see him. When I was 7 my father was in jail, I could not see him for year. It made me think he was a bad person.
well, you would have to lie to them for sure… the 5 years old wouldn’t make the difference, the 8 y.o would wonder what is going on..
it would be a bit cruel not to bring the kid to their father..
I understand you are worried, but he is the childrens father and they need to have a father that they can count on. however YOU should take them and not let them out of your site…
maybe look at it as a valuable learning experience for them and the consequences of drug use. Good luck.
i think that letting them see him is a very bad idea. i think it would be best for the kids. although i am pretty young so you might not wana take my advice.
no i don’t think you should let your kids go to see him they don’t need o be in that envioment and if he would stay clean he could see is kids all he want to. good for you not wanting them to go there
leagly you dont have to but it would be better for him seeing the kids gives him more reason to stay in rehab and get off what hes on pluse it will make him hapyer to see them and he will want to do drugs less to help them
I fully agree with you that this is not an environment where they need to see their father. Unless there are court papers that stipulate that you have to provide visitation, I would not subject their father to the embarrassment and them to the questions that they probably will not be able to understand.
I think it will show them their father loves them, and may teach them that this is what can happen if they do drugs. He can do a lot for them (while he’s sober) to let them know how bad it is to use. Kids also need to know their parents love them, and that even grownups don’t always do everything right.
I would take them, unless he’s an absolutely horrible person.
Addiction is a sickness, would you take them if he was in a sanitorium with tuberculosis?
In my opinion you shouldn’t. If your children do not know that he is an addict it is not a good enviornment for them to find out. Maybe wait until your children get a little older and then tell them, but for now wait and just tell your ex how you fell about the situation and i am sure he will understand!
To me, five and eight is a bit too young to be explaining all of that. Young kids want to see their parents as perfect… those relationships are the pillars of their young lives. Maybe he would understand it that way?
Have you let them talk to him on the phone? That wouldn’t do much harm.
yes, let him see them. Unless there is a court order in effect you can’t blackmail him about seeing the kids. The kids should see him. It will be a controlled environment. When you say about exposing them to that environment could it be any worse that whatever they were dealing with before? Also, the kids have a parent that has an addictionn therefore they will always have a parent that has an addiction. They might as well learn now how to handle this and understand it. This way “rehab” isn’t a world shrouded in all kinds of mystery and they can remmeber what it looked like etc. when he says we were in the rec room or whatever Also, visitation is often somethinng that really keeps folks going during this time. reminding them of why they need to get better. the dad’s an addict and always will be. I’m actually surprised that they haven’t requested some type of family therapy. Just let them go.
It might be good for the children to see their father when he isnt messed up. You say they dont know hes an addict but they have to know that daddys different sometimes. You said that you want to avoid the questions from you children. Is that the real reason you dont want to take the children? Or at least hesitating?
Your ex should be able to see his kids because even though he made a mistake in life… atleast he has realized it and has done something about it.
He should atleast be able to see them to have a stronger will and finish his programme.
Quite a few programs make having the family visit and attend some of the counseling part of the program. Your 8 year old certainly is not unaware that their dad has a problem with drugs. He or she may not know the details but with all the information on TV and in school you would have had to keep the kids in a vacumn for the last five years to keep them from figuring it out.
It may help them to understand that their dad is not a bad person but a person with a big problem which he is trying to solve as best he can. You probably have some big disappointment and resentment issues with him, that would be normal. Your kids don’t need to have those issues All they need to know is Dad is sick and trying to get well.
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If you don’t want to go let Grandma take the older one. I do think the 5 year old would probably be confused and maybe troubled by what s/he can’t understand about the situation.
Good luck to all of you.
My sister was in jail and my nieces didn’t take her grand kids in to see her. Only the really little ones that didn’t realize what the place was.
Letting them go depends on the atmosphere. Is it like a big room?Does it look like a prison? Other words will the kids realize it is a rehab? If you could tell them its a place daddy is staying while he works (not lying, he is working on his addiction) If you can’t pull that off I wouldn’t let them go. But it would be best for them to go. If the father misses his children, you know the children miss him. Even if you two aren’t together, it is there daddy. He will always be there daddy. Please don’t keep them from him, if you can help it.
YOU SHOULD TAKE THEM YOURSELF AND I WOULDN’T TELL THE KIDS WHY HES THERE. THE KIDS DON’T KNOW THAT DADDY DID DRUGS. That would be on there little minds
Good Luck
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I’m in the same situation. My daughters are older: 19, 16, 10 and they DO understand what’s going on. This is also my ex’s third rehab attempt, but he still believes that he truly doesn’t have a problem. He blames his alcohol/prescrip pill use on me. He needs to drink etc. because I left him OVER TWO AGO! The only reason I may take the kids (once!) is in order to brief his counselor(s) on his history. They need to know that he has lost custody of his children through an ex-parte emergency motion because he was in such bad shape. I know he will never divulge this. He ‘cleans up’ well when in a controlled environment and can be very charming and convincing. His workers reports will carry a great deal of weight on if he gets a chance at getting the kids back…..which I don’t want to happen. Good Luck & I hope you find peace.