Question by Venus Doom: How long does it take to develop liver cirrhosis? How do I convince him alcoholism hurts our marriage & kids?
My husband, who is 35, unemployed, and suffers from bipolar disorder, is a heavy drinker and, I’m quite sure, an alcoholic. He weighs approximately 400 pounds (down from his max of 564, but up from the 300 he hit after gastric bypass in 2000). He drinks anywhere from 12 to 30+ beers a day (I wish I was exaggerating). We have two small children (5 and 2 years old). No matter what I say, what statistics I quote about children of alcoholics being at risk for maladaptive behaviors, depression, anxiety, etc., or how often (or how gently) I tell him his drinking is harming our marriage, his health, our financial situation (he spent over ,500 in alcohol in the past 3 months despite not having a job), and our children’s possibility of having a happy, healthy future, he refuses to stop or even slow down his drinking, let alone seek treatment. He uses his high level of stress (mainly from his unemployment and our rather dire financial state, not to mention the state of our marriage) as an excuse to drink. He is a highly manipulative person and makes life extremely difficult for me as it is, so I know if I chose to divorce him, he would make my life a living hell. I’m sure I would get custody of the children based on his behavior, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t fight me tooth and nail simply out of spite. Worse, he might run off with the kids or do something even more drastic (you see it in the news all the time). I have no idea what to do, where to turn, or who to talk to. At this rate, how long will it likely take before he damages his body beyond repair? Maybe I can scare him into quitting or even toning it down. What other options do I have? I do love him and would rather not divorce him, but can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at this point. I would appreciate any and all suggestions.

Best answer:

Answer by Baa Baa
Poor me. Pour me a drink. This is the motto of many alcoholics. Always blaming others for their drinking and having a million excuses. Typical behavior.

It’s time for an intervention of tough love. Do you want to live like this? Do you want your children to live with this? Think about them and what it is doing. You need to make some big changes in your life. He can destroy his own life, but I’d be damned if he was going to continue to ruin my life and the lives of my children. Do you really believe if you told him it takes 10 years of heavy drinking before cirrhosis can happen to his liver that it will make any difference. I doubt if he would care at all let alone care enough to change. There is no toning it down for alcoholics like him. If he did “tone it down”, it would only be temporary. He has learn how to live life without drinking at all because he has no control.

How is he getting all his money for drinking when he is not working? He would have to climb over my dead body to get a single penny off me for booze. I would give him the choice of getting help and stop all drinking or me and the kids are leaving him. He needs to detox safely and get into rehab. But don’t do this unless you really mean it and will act on it if he doesn’t get help. Giving him empty threats is not going to do anything for you or him. You must mean it and do it. If not, then plan on living this way the rest of your life with him. It will eventually kill him, but it could take many many wasted miserable years. I have seen heavy drinking alcoholics that have been drinking 20-30 years and they still aren’t dead. Others can die much sooner. Everyone is different. It’s up to you. I feel really sorry for the kids. You have a choice to get out of there. They don’t and they are depending on you to do something. Your husband has abandoned all responsibility for their well being, so it’s up to you.

As fas as him making your life a living hell if you filed for divorce, his life would be the living hell, not mine. He would be so busy trying to make money for child support and his booze habit that he wouldn’t have time to bother me. I would have no conversation with him except through a lawyer. If he ever threatened me, I would get a protection from abuse order against him. Even if he did try to make it as ugly as possible, at least I would know I did the right thing by getting away from him for my childrens sake. Good luck.

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