Question by luvmygirls: Should i divorce my husband?
I will try to make this brief. This is my second marriage. i have 2 girls – one from each marriage. The first one i left because of drug addiction and now husband #2 has alcohol problems. We’ve been together 5 years and he’s always been kind of lazy and drank alot and i started drinking just to be able to put up with him. i ended up getting pregnant – (this was a SHOCKER) but since i dont believe in abortion i had her. we got married when she was a baby and things just went from BAD TO WORSE. He is VERY mean to my oldest daughter, which some of me thinks i should just ignore it because i’m just very sensitive when it comes to her (a lot of guilt issues) he’s also been unemployed for over a year and he is very content to sit on the couch all day and drink. I work full time and am out of the house for about 12 hours. the youngest (2) is still in daycare – which at least i make him pay for since he doesnt want to watch her (but i think she’s better off) and the oldest is in school all day, so it’s not like he’s alone drinking with them, but he does NOTHING. and when he does do something he throws it in my face. Like – “i cleaned the kitchen the other day and you didnt even notice” – I CLEAN THE HOUSE EVERYDAY and i dont care if he notices…it’s called LIFE. To sum it up he’s a lazy drunk who’s making my life miserable and 100% harder then it has to be, but i dont want to make another bad decision (although the 1st divorce i am soo happy with) he’s raised the oldest since a baby and he even admits to treating her differently and sometimes he’s down right cruel, but am i crazy for thinking that that’s just how dad’s are sometimes. i dont know what to do – i think people get divorced so quickly these days and i want to try to fight for my marriage, but i’m starting to hate him. he says he wont got to drug/alcohol rehab because “he can quit for a day and he’s fine, even a week” PLEASE HELP
just for some of you…i had my tubes tied when i got pregnant with the 2nd one…that was the SHOCKER. i’ve had multiple miscarriages (with husband #1) and was told i’d never have kids and to keep stress off my body they tied my tubes after child #1 and as for enabler problems -ABSOLUTELY. My father was an alcoholic and coke head – i watched my mother choose him instead of us. i KNOW in my head being a single mother is better for my kids, but yes in some twisted way i want to believe that a dad can be good and i want to give that to my girls. and if i get divorced – THERE WILL BE NO MORE MEN – i dont want 3 children
Best answer:
Answer by Stephen
Yes, move his ass out.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
22 ResponsesLeave a comment ?
You should have left long ago. Don’t waste more time. Go now!
I didn’t read any of that up there.. but, um..
If you have to ask the question, then, yes. Divorce him.
My best advice for you is to start going to Al-Anon, a support group for spouses and relatives of alcoholics. There, you’ll get support and the advice of experienced people. You can find them in the white pages.
Boy, you can really pick em…
If the situation is not good for your daughters and yourself, then change it.
He probably wont change, so you will have to kick him to the curb
You have dug your grave. Please just stop reproducing. You are bringing babies into an unstable enviroment. You need to focus on being a mother, stop bringing home horrible men if front of your kids. Would you want them doing this?
Wow dizzie, great advice. If you need to ask if you should divorce someone then that’s a damn sure sign you should..
You allow life to use you an abuse you its time to take life back and move on
go to al-anon meetings and read the book “codependent no more” by melody beattie. it is for wives of alcoholics/addicts.
Dump him.
BC
Your husband is not going to change. He is married to his drink. But I do have questions for you. Addicted men seem to be the kind of relationships you pick. Why is that? What can you do to change that? Why would you allow your children to grow up in households to believe this is normal behavior? Do you not see you have your own addiction? You are an enabler. Yes that is an addiction too. You need help, not just your husband. If he is not going to get help that is his choice but you must get help for your enabling. I am sure like any good parent you want the best for your children. Get help. The deserve a strong role model for a mother. Do you really want them to live the same life you are living when they grow up?
If he hasn’t worked in a year how is he paying for child care and buying his beer? You need to stop thinking about how you will look as a 2 time divorcee and start thinking about your children. Perhaps you shouldn’t look for your next husband at a party.
some people need to divorce, and you can’t fight for a marriage where the other party won’t get the help he needs. Dad’s are not suppose to be abusive, even to step children. Your trying to save something that isn’t possible. This guy isn’t contributing to anything that would make for a happy marriage.
OK why don’t you want to divorce? because people will judge you because its your 2nd marriage or what? his an ahole, i think you would want some on who loves you and your children think for them they need a daddy (a good one). what does he give you ?i dont see nothing but problems!!! you work ,you can do it all by your self hun you don’t need that in your life , yes maybe you need some one who loves you and treats you right !!! good luck
Yeah. And then you should get your tubes tied as you’ve obviously got a real problem in sleeping with bums. You should get a divorce and ensure that you never breed again.
I’m not trying to be mean or nasty. Honest, I’m not, but you’ve been married twice, once to a drug addict and again to an alcohol addict. HELLO?! You fall in love with bums. That’s fine if that is what trips your twat, but come on. Stop breeding with them.
OMG YES LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
So tell him to quit for a week and see how ‘fine’ he is…book marriage counselling and I bet he won’t go…………don’t stay in a marriage that is not a marriage just because you feel guilty or because people will think you made another mistake…..this is YOUR life, you have it once, this is not a practise, no one has the right to be cruel to others…tell him to buck up or buck out!
Can not believe you are still with this guy ! Am sorry that you seem to keep getting hit with the fellas that seem to be weak and fall apart. But, it looks from my view that your situation is continually going down hill.
When you begin to hate the one you are married to you are creating an all new relationship. One that may or may not be healthy for you, or your girls. If he is not willing to get help then he must feel that you are the problem.
To contact a Lawyer, has to be up to you. For someone here to suggest you do so would be wrong of us. Two wrongs do not make one right !
its soo sad to see what alcohol can do to u….neways im really happy that u want to fight for ur marriage cuz its not a joke but like u said he’s making ur life miserable and always treats ur eldest different which mostly all step dads do….why dont u talk to him and say “if u want our marriage to work then stop drinking or just forget me and the daughter and keep drinking if thats what u want” give him to options…one way or the other…5years is along time for taking all that in..u’ve waited long enough…u can do sooo much better and its not ur eldest daughters fault in anything that he’s being cruel to her she doesnt deserve that….so be strong for ur daughters and make a desicion cuz they cant grow up with someone who’s a bad influence to them…u dont want ur daughters to turn out like that do u?….plus u said he’s not working..just sitting home and drinking,not helping u in anything…so for u there’s nothing to loose..he’ll be the one who’ll regret it when he realises family is more important than booze…..so u dont worry there’s plenty of fishes in the sea…maybe third time lucky who knows hey….lol…but one thing if u still somewhere in ur heart love him then u’ll have to talk to a professional and get him sorted…even though he doesnt want to get help force him…u’ve known him for 5yrs,and u have a right to do it cuz he’s ur husband…so now its for u to decide if u love him…then u have to help him…and if ur sick and tired of everything and cant deal with him anymore the leave him in other words divorce him…….good luck and takecare
Divorce isn’t always the best solution… I would start going to meetings that focus on spouses with alcoholic spouses… Al anon… ( i think that is the right spelling ) if you don’t know where to find them, look in your phone book under alcoholics anonymous and give them a call… they can direct you. As for how he treats your oldest daughter, that needs to stop… you are allowing him to break down how she feels about herself and her life and that is something she does not deserve… and if things get to tough when you put your foot down about it, move out for a little while or ask him to. it may not be ideal and may be very tough, but what would be worse? sticking up for what is right or watching your daughter grow up learning that a man can treat her and speak to her any way they want…
Men are a bit more simplistic than most women realise. They need compliments even if they seem never to want them. They need comforting even if they shrug it off. They need to be seen as a man even if they seem to be a woose. Men are like children, naive and proud, even if they don’t deserve to be.
You have chosen him over the other one. you are drawn to these types of men. You will never choose a geek or a quiet type. It is not in your realm of possiblity. You are the pay packet person of the house. Take charge, take control, and tell him to do the shopping, clean the whole house, and take care of ther kid’s needs. Tell him to help them with homework. Tell him to do the ironing and sewing. He is the home-maker now. It’s a role-reversal situation. He will either refuse or take to the idea.
I’m sure he is bored and feeling useless. Perhaps he has no real qualifications in anything and feels he cannot get any good employment, at least a job that would be better than unemployment benefits. Perhaps suggest work types or discuss different work types that he could train and do. Things like driving a bus or a taxi.
Suggest a weekend away, in the country or sea-side. Take some time to be a family and see if you can respark some of that old romance. You need to try to make the relationship work. You cannot jump from relationship to relationship because it gets too “real” for you.
He sounds like the LAZIEST husband! He has a wife and daughter to take care of and he’s there sitting on his A** all day long drinking? What kind of life is that? To top it off it hasn’t been days, weeks, or months but a YEAR, that he’s been unemployed. I don’t think i could tolerate what you’re going through if i was to be in your shoes. He needs to do something!! and try and save his marriage. Before you do anything try and talk to him. If after that it’s still the same then i guess it’s time to take it to the next step.
run away girl!