In ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT / Tags: alcoholic, husband, involved, kids, leave, military, Should /
Question by punky: Should I leave alcoholic military husband? Kids involved.?
My husband has been an alcoholic since I married him in 2001. We had a long distance relationship and then got married without ever really spending quality time together. I had no idea he was an alcoholic. He is a good man but so consumed by the need to get drunk every night that I find myself completely miserable. We now have 2 beautiful daughters and I am scared to death. My 7 year old has to go to counseling this week because her behavior is out of control. She is exhibiting classic characteristics of “children of alcoholics.” I have been avoiding this and trying not to notice for years now. I have begged and pleaded with him. I have told him the things that he has said and did (never violent) while he was drunk. He ignores us, disappears into the garage all weekend and passes out on the couch by 7:30 pm on the couch during the week. I am left to pick up the pieces and take care of everything anyway regarding the kids. I cannot go out with my friends because I cannot trust him with the girls – I am worried he will pass out and leave them without supervision (this happened in the past). But if I leave then he will get visitation and I will worry about what will happen on those nights when they are with him and he is the only adult there to watch them. I worry about the finacial aspect. We live on 2 incomes. But I worry that if I stay then the girls will have to live this life because I didn’t have the nerve to leave and that kills me.
Here is the thing. I am so worried about what everybody else is going to say or how they will treat me. Most people just love him and have no idea. The girls love him and don’t really get it. They are too young to understand that his drinking is affecting the family unit. They see me upset but I don’t think they know why. My husband is currently deployed to Iraq which makes me look so bad. I am a military spouse and I hate hearing stories of wives or husbands upsetting or leaving their spouses during deployments. It tears my heart out to think about it.
I find myself wanting to make him happy. Not wanting to hurt his feelings or make his life harder. How sick is that? I know he loves me and the girls. He is a good man, a hard worker, and a good provider. But the one thing we need – his attention, his presence – is what we are missing everyday. He refuses to get help and thinks that he can stop on his own. He does stop for about 2 weeks at a time and then it strats right back up.
Does anybody have any ideas or feedback? It just feels so wrong to start this process and do this to him while he is deployed. If I wait until he gets back, when is the right time to do it then? Is there ever a “right” time?
My children come first. The realization this past week that my daughter needs counseling has sent me into overdrive. I am so angry and I feel so guilty for allowing this to happen to her. She has a hard time making friends, she gets angry very easily, she is taking things from other children then pretending to find them and give them back, she is lying a lot and defiant to me. She does not trust that people will follow through with promises because so many have been broken. I know I am doing what I need to do to take care of her. But what do I do to take care of all of us?
Can I get him to leave the house? We own our house but have a sizable mortgage. Since I am the one thinking of leaving is it my responsibility to leave the home and find somewhere else for the girls and I to live?
He will not be open to discussing this. He will be absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I am beyond that. My heart was ripped out a long time ago. I am empty of emotion, I have no energy anymore. I actually look forward to going to work just to escape everyday.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
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Answer by chellie8603
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I feel for you, I really do. However, I would recommend that if he’s deployed, AT LEAST wait until he’s back from his deployment (not just the R&R trip back Stateside). If he’s just back from a deployment, and ‘bad things’ happened, then you ought to wait a while, too.
If he’s in a combat zone, the first thing he’s trying to maintain a relationship is with his butt. As in not getting it shot off or blown off. And so are all the other guys around him. If he’s heartbroken, upset, depressed, or whatever, he’s not 100% ‘mission-capable’; he’s going to be distracted, and understandably so. And while that can be very bad for him, it can also be very bad for the other guys around him. If he’s down in the dumps he may miss spotting a sniper or a tripwire, or something else that’s a threat, that ends up causing casualties.
It’s far more merciful to wait until he gets back.
In the meantime, the military has VAST numbers of programs and resources for servicemembers and their families that have substance abuse problems. Contact the rear-detachment staff (or whatever your service calls it) and they should be able to put you in contact with folks who can help you, your kids, and your husband as well. (I’ve included a link to a site that lists a lot of good information for the US Air Force ADAPT program; the other branches are similar.)
I had been in a bad situation, sort of similar, and it had a very detrimental effect on our kids, too, so I know how you feel. There’s nothing you can do to change the past; all you can do is the best you can to make the future better.
If you are determined to leave him, again the military has a vast number of programs that can help. Again, the rear-detachment folks would be a good place to start. There should be some sort of family readiness or family assistance organization on post/base/aboard the station, or whatever your branch calls where they’re at.
My suggestion- since he is currently deployed- wait until he returns- see if he has changed. Alcohol is not readily available over there, so he might be different. If not- when he returns, I would ask him to get counseling. If he refuses- then I would separate myself from him. Your daughters and their well being as well as yours must take priority over an alcoholic. Usually , depending on the state you are in, the man moves out- unless the court orders you to sell the house and divide evenly- then both of you must find another place. I am a firm believer in HONESTY. Open communication. If you start harping as soon as he returns it won’t work. But if you lead into it gradually – you may have a chance. If you are truly over him and don’t want to even give him a chance- I still think you should wait until he returns before springing anything on him. They are under a lot of pressure over there and it is sad that our returning soldiers do not get the counseling that they deserve and need when their tours are over. So I don’t think it would be fair to “Dear John ” him while he is on tour.
With your girls- yes counseling- being there for them – talking honestly to them all this helps. I was a dependent as a child and as a spouse total of 26 years. Alcoholics in both relationships… so I understand what you are saying and have seen both sides from a child’s view and as an adult.
Why don’t you take this time while he is deployed and write him a letter- pour out all your feelings, concerns, fears, worries and heartaches. No demands, no threats, just what you really feel and the changes you see in your daughters. Take a few days to do this- print it out- re-read it – then send it to him if it is really what you want to say. Maybe he will absorb the written word. Guys like to fix things. Maybe on his own he will see what changes need to be made.
You have been through a lot, and are now at the place where you know you must do something. You are smart enough to know not to just do what many would…which is just stick it out and tell yourself everything will be okay…because you already know it’s not going to be okay. Your daughter’s behavior was probably the turning point for you.
Plain and simple, your alcoholic husband has to be the one to help himself. Sure he has good qualities but they don’t make up for the fact that he turns to alcohol. He has to find out why he needs this escape. It is going to be hard work….for all of you. Don’t worry about what others think…that should be the last thing you are thinking about. This is about you and your family.
If he is not open to discussing it, then you have to sit him down and TELL him that you are going to leave. Tell him how unhappy you are in the marriage; tell him about your daughter and how serious her situation is; tell him you are worried about his health….which if he doesn’t stop drinking, will be in sad shape. Tell him you are not going to live with him anymore unless he gets into help or treatment for his alcoholism. Of course, this will not be a one-sided conversation now. Because he will try to come up with whatever he can…that he’s a good provider, good father, etc etc. That it’s his house too and he doesn’t have to leave. Stick to your guns and don’t let him talk you into or out of anything.
Keep remembering what you have said…that your heart was ripped out a long time ago. This is no way for you to live. You will have to come to some tough decisions about where to live/who is going to leave. It will be difficult but you already know you have to make these decisions. There is no way around it; your husband has to stop drinking. Good luck.
leave………LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE……..it will be hard at first and during and after but about 8-12 months is when you will c it was the rite thing to do!
You are a wise and brave woman but you can’t deal with this problem alone. My advice (and I too am an Army wife with a deployed husband) would be to use the time that he is away to gather your resources. Plan A would be a program to get him sober. Plan B is what you do if he fails to follow plan A and you have to leave.The reason why people would be surprised if you left is because they don’t know what’s going on and they need to. You are effectively acting complicitly and ‘covering up’ for him – incredibly common by the way.
I volunteer for a Military wives support organisation here in the UK and you would not believe how many women come to me and tell me a similar story to yours – good men who are ruining their lives and the lives of others through alcohol abuse. Please talk to someone. Your resources are probably different to ours but AA is universal. Discuss it with close friends and family. TELL. Your quiet disapproval isn’t touching him he needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to be addressed as soon as he gets back. Don’t leave him now, however tempting that is. Give him an opportunity when he gets back to use the resources that you have sourced. He will have had to have been ‘dry’ for a very long spell, so that’s a start. Explain the moment that he steps off the plane that unless he follows the plan that you have set in place he will lose his family. Get friends and family to reiterate the message. Let him know that he is under scrutiny and that there will be no second chances. I hope that you won’t need plan B but you will feel stronger simply for having it there.
You are not alone.