In DRUG REHABILITATION / Tags: Alcoholism, husband, kids, leave, Separate, Should /
Question by jennilaine777: Should I leave him? My husband and his kids… for alcoholism. Separate?
He is out every night. Blames his escaping on me. Calls me selfish and overly dramatic. I am his kids stepmom. He doesn’t come home till the bars close. That’s 2am. He tells me that I hurt him emotionally. He says that he has control over it, but I haven’t seen him sober at home for about 3 weeks. We are behind on ALL of our bills including rent. I quit school to get a part time job while I raise his kids for him. I don’t want to be in this if I am not getting any affection and blamed for his drinking problem. They are not my kids. I love them, 9 and 10 year olds. But I know that kids bounce. They have a mom who doesn’ t take care of them as much as she should. I am doing everything. I get nothing in return. Not even a smile or sober breath or loving word from my husband. No sweet words, reassurance, passion…. I feel like a Nanny/Housekeeper. My only reward is in those kids eyes. At the same time, I think the mom needs to figure out how to be an adult and take care of her own kids.
I’ve given ultimatum’s before. He claims that I do more pushing away than pulling him to me with them. Do this or I’m out doesn’t work. Any threat to leave drives him to depression… aka drinking. As though it’s my fault. I’m learning it’s not my fault. I am a good person. I do not deserve what he is doing to me. But if I don’t apoligise and beg for forgiveness, he thinks I’m selfish and stubborn because he is always the one saying sorry, and I never do. So he finds little things I’ve done to complain about. Waits for me to raise my voice or say a foul thing, and holds it against me. I am not perfect, but he is making me feel like I am like the devil!
Best answer:
Answer by mummy
he is using you to take care of his kids.
go away, by yourself, for a few days even if it’s with relatives.
don’t tell him where you’re going.
he should be a father and stop depending on you so much.
don’t enable him by doing everything.
it’s obvious, the mom isn’t going to help.
he needs to take care of his kids.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
11 ResponsesLeave a comment ?
Your are enabling him to continue to use you and drink .
You have made it too convenient for your husband to slack off and be irresponsible. You should pack up and take a breather from the relationship, give him a chance to get his life back on track, pay his bill, and be a father. Do not expect anything from their mother. Your husband is the person who you need to expect more from.
It’s weird to me how people like you choose to act like a doormat and then complain about getting stepped on. Stop being a doormat!
Wow, he is an alcoholic and seems to not want to change his life. Maybe that’s why he was divorced before. Poor kids, suggest he needs AA and then get the heck out. Find a relative of his that may have influence over him. If the kids get neglected, then the family members can ask that social services look into the family dynamics. How sad.
I say dump him. I worry about his children also. They do did some help if their mother is also a problem.
You don’t have to live like you do. Don’t let him blame you for his troubles.
The next time he leaves you need to be gone by time he gets back. See how long it takes him notice that you are gone.
Unfortunately, you can’t worry about those kids right now. They’re not yours, not your responsibilty, and their parents need to understand that.
You need to focus on YOU! And I bet you haven’t done that since you married your husband (and the kids).
Alcoholism is a big deal. If he can’t take care of this (or won’t) why should you and those kids suffer??
I’m sorry to say this, I know it’s eating you up too, my biggest fear is something happeneing between my husband and I because I’d miss out on a really great little girl. I adore my stepdaughter, but I also want her mother to wake up and be a better parent. And IF something ever happened between us, I’d worry more for my stepdaughter than our own son.
I just wanted to say I don’t have the best advice persay, because regardless, this is a friggen hard thing to deal with. The hardest will be walking from those kids, but again, focus on you. You have to……
Keep your head up!
P.S. Could you give him an ultimatum? Family Counseling/rehab NOW or you’re out?
** ADD **
I would set the appointment with a counselor for two people. Give him the address, the time, and tell him to be there if he wants to save his marriage. If he doesn’t show, talk to the counselor about things and file for divorce or leave. But give him that last chance to fix this…..leave the ball in his court.
Because nobody deserves to be treated that way!
I don’t answer many of these, and I’m not sure I have solid advise for you… temperament —- yours, mostly— is everything…And I don’t know how strong you are. But you need some thoughts from someone other than a 12 year old not in summer school today………….
You write well, so likely you’re a smart lady, but guts has a lot to do with it as well,,,,,, and the ability to keep your eye on the prize… your financial independence, and a chance to meet a better class of guy….
But you might think of this stuff for a bit.
Truly I think marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust. …the Four Biggies… The Big Question is: How much of either of these do you still have for this guy????? I suspect none, or very little of any of them. You stay because it is what you are used to, and as well, you have trapped yourself financially by not having an education and not being able to pull down a big salary… bad planning, hon, truly bad.
Then next thing you need to consider is…. are you willing to sacrifice your own life to be a parent to children who are not yours? You may indeed love them… and it is easily another 10 years before they are independent… Are you willing to stick around until then? If you are in your early 30′s, you are into your middle 40′s before you get your own uneducated life back… middle age. Then you have 25 years to get a great job, and accumulate an IRA…… assuming your health doesn’t crap out…. He certainly isn’t sacrificing anything for you, is he? Nor is he anything but a drunk, at least from this posting.
Looking where you are, you need money, sweets, and a solid job while you go back to school. And as well, enough of your own head together to study.
I think in your place, I’d stay, quit the job, forget about trying to be a wife to this guy, and for sure, forget unprotected sex — (assuming he can even get it up…drunks have problems in that department) you have now, or lessen the hours, and get back into school or a training program and bust butt… He’s been using you all these years, use him to better your position for the next 2 or 3 years or whatever it takes. You don’t have a marriage, hon, you have a roomie whose children you are raising— a drunken one at that, and this relationship doesn’t look fixable. With an addiction to alcohol as he has, it is typical for them to blame everyone but themselves…I promise, this is typical. As well, you can call AA and their cure rate for 5 years isn’t even 20%.
Depending upon your program, you could leave in 18 months—dental techs/hygienists are paid well, as are other jobs that require smarts to attain the degrees in those programs. Check around in your area….. These kind of jobs will never get “shipped” overseas to India or the Philippines, as have computer jobs….
Some things to ponder……….
Pack up & walk out don’t look back, just keep going.
After you get your own place & takin care of yourself fight for the kids if you want them. Make sure they know you are leaving because of the father not them.
No amount of words will ever make him see what he is doing.
You have to show him that you mean it.
Don’t let him drag you down with him, just because he is not happy.
No matter what you do he will never be happy.
Most alcoholics say they can stop anytime they want….I cant tell you if your husband is an alcoholic or not, but all the symptoms are there.Drinking to solve your problems makes no sense,it just adds more problems,but you cant convince an alcoholic of that, blaming you is just another symptom (an alcoholic finds it hard to accept personal responsibility).Counseling is an option.but not a necessity(save your money for bills).Alcoholism effects every one close to the alcoholic (a family disease). PLEASE contact Alanon they are online and I know they can help! At very least you can get the loving word and reassurance. You may find answers that you seek.
You need to know what is causing him to be that way. you need to open your mind so you could save your relationship
It’s hard to know what to do when you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic . . . My advice: Start with Al-Anon. Don’t make any major decisions about divorce or separation until you’ve given it a good try. It’s an amazing program.
My best to you all. Julie S.
Read more here: http://www.new-life-in-recovery.com/alcoholism-and-divorce.html