My best to you all. Julie S.

Read more here: http://www.new-life-in-recovery.com/alcoholism-and-divorce.html

After you get your own place & takin care of yourself fight for the kids if you want them. Make sure they know you are leaving because of the father not them.

No amount of words will ever make him see what he is doing.
You have to show him that you mean it.
Don’t let him drag you down with him, just because he is not happy.
No matter what you do he will never be happy.

You write well, so likely you’re a smart lady, but guts has a lot to do with it as well,,,,,, and the ability to keep your eye on the prize… your financial independence, and a chance to meet a better class of guy….

But you might think of this stuff for a bit.

Truly I think marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust. …the Four Biggies… The Big Question is: How much of either of these do you still have for this guy????? I suspect none, or very little of any of them. You stay because it is what you are used to, and as well, you have trapped yourself financially by not having an education and not being able to pull down a big salary… bad planning, hon, truly bad.

Then next thing you need to consider is…. are you willing to sacrifice your own life to be a parent to children who are not yours? You may indeed love them… and it is easily another 10 years before they are independent… Are you willing to stick around until then? If you are in your early 30′s, you are into your middle 40′s before you get your own uneducated life back… middle age. Then you have 25 years to get a great job, and accumulate an IRA…… assuming your health doesn’t crap out…. He certainly isn’t sacrificing anything for you, is he? Nor is he anything but a drunk, at least from this posting.

Looking where you are, you need money, sweets, and a solid job while you go back to school. And as well, enough of your own head together to study.

I think in your place, I’d stay, quit the job, forget about trying to be a wife to this guy, and for sure, forget unprotected sex — (assuming he can even get it up…drunks have problems in that department) you have now, or lessen the hours, and get back into school or a training program and bust butt… He’s been using you all these years, use him to better your position for the next 2 or 3 years or whatever it takes. You don’t have a marriage, hon, you have a roomie whose children you are raising— a drunken one at that, and this relationship doesn’t look fixable. With an addiction to alcohol as he has, it is typical for them to blame everyone but themselves…I promise, this is typical. As well, you can call AA and their cure rate for 5 years isn’t even 20%.

Depending upon your program, you could leave in 18 months—dental techs/hygienists are paid well, as are other jobs that require smarts to attain the degrees in those programs. Check around in your area….. These kind of jobs will never get “shipped” overseas to India or the Philippines, as have computer jobs….

Some things to ponder……….

You need to focus on YOU! And I bet you haven’t done that since you married your husband (and the kids).

Alcoholism is a big deal. If he can’t take care of this (or won’t) why should you and those kids suffer??

I’m sorry to say this, I know it’s eating you up too, my biggest fear is something happeneing between my husband and I because I’d miss out on a really great little girl. I adore my stepdaughter, but I also want her mother to wake up and be a better parent. And IF something ever happened between us, I’d worry more for my stepdaughter than our own son.

I just wanted to say I don’t have the best advice persay, because regardless, this is a friggen hard thing to deal with. The hardest will be walking from those kids, but again, focus on you. You have to……

Keep your head up!

P.S. Could you give him an ultimatum? Family Counseling/rehab NOW or you’re out?

** ADD **

I would set the appointment with a counselor for two people. Give him the address, the time, and tell him to be there if he wants to save his marriage. If he doesn’t show, talk to the counselor about things and file for divorce or leave. But give him that last chance to fix this…..leave the ball in his court.

Because nobody deserves to be treated that way!

You don’t have to live like you do. Don’t let him blame you for his troubles.

The next time he leaves you need to be gone by time he gets back. See how long it takes him notice that you are gone.