In ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT / Tags: advice, involves, kids, need, please, situation, Sticky /
Question by Mrs. B: Sticky situation with the ex (involves kids). Need advice please!?
Here’s the sitaution. My ex and I have 2 kids together, ages 5 and 7. We do not have custody/visitation done through the courts, as we have always been able to work it out in a way that is good for us both. I have the kids full time and he has them when he wants, which is usually about every other weekend. I left him due to his alcoholism. I dropped off the kids with him last night and they called me several times, which they normally dont do, so I knew they must not have been having fun. Then this evening my ex called me and asked me to come pick the kids up because there was something going on. Come to find out, him and his gf were fighting because he was drunk and had been all day. So, I picked up the kids and I wasn’t home but all of ten minutes and my ex called again and said if it was ok that he wanted to come get the kids again in the morning and spend the day with them tomorrow. My problem is, I don’t know if I should let him or not given this evening’s events. True, at least he was responsible enough to have me come get them out of a fighting situation, but he wasn’t responible enough to avoid the situation by just not drinking. He knows how I feel about him drinking when he has the kids, especially since he doesn’t have them all that often. I don’t want them to remember their dad as a drunk (although I’m starting to see that prob can’t be helped). Do I let them go again in the morning or not? I don’t like to tell him no, because I feel that the kids need to see their dad, but at the same time I’m afraid for their safety and don’t want it to turn out the same as it did today. Any advice? Thanks.
I know that his gf will prob be there, so at least if anything happened, she could handle it. But still, it’s just the principle of it all. It isn’t her job to take care of our kids (although there are times I have been so thankful that she was there). And I hate the fact that my kids have to see them fighting. They told me that he threw her stuff out on the lawn, and the whole time she is crying and telling him that she loves him and isn’t leaving….and my kids are seeing all that! I just hate it.
Best answer:
Answer by Mommy of 2
Well my dad too is an alcoholic and I know he is always secretly drinking that is just what they do!! I know too he isn’t responsible enough to watch his grandkids…I would never want my kids exposed to that…it is hard enough being grown and seeing that ….and also he may say stuff he doesn’t mean when he is drunk or do something stupid and then the kids will hate him bc they are to young to understand it is the alcohol not him …Ya know?? SO I say keep them away until you know he has stopped drinking…you would never forgive yourself if something happened…Right?? SO just say no!! I say he shouldn’t see them if he is still drinking…trust me even being grown it is hard to handle having a drunk father…cant imagine being that young and not able to take care of themselves if he passed out or something!!
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You are absolutely right to be afraid for their safety. Alcoholism is a disease and until your ex can get treatment and get sober, your children are in jeopardy everytime they are alone with him. What if one of them had an accident and he tried to drive them to the hospital and had a wreck? What if he passed out and one of them got hurt? I completely understand you not wanting to keep them from their father, but if he’s not well then it is really the best thing for them. It will be hard for a while, but when they grow up, they will understand and thank you for protecting them from a potentially harmful situation. If he really wants to be a part of his kids lives, then he’ll take the steps he needs to get sober. Sometimes it takes losing something for a while to realize what you have. In the long run, you would really be helping him.
no No NO NOOOO
You tell him that he may not have the kids without you until he stops drinking.
Period. PERIOD.
And he may not see them at all unless he is sober.
Sounds like you have a decent relationship with him. Invite him to dinner….sober. Plan day trips with him and his gf and the kids….sober.
And when he proves his sobriety then you can revisit it.
And you just tell your kids that Daddy loves them, but he isn’t feeling well today.
This is a very very toxic situation for your kids.
I suggest you take this back to family court You need to set ground rules for his visitations and he needs to abide by them. By going to court he will either have to comply with the rules set or he will either go to jail or lose his visitation rights. I suggest you discuss this with your lawyer and have him draw up papers stating that during visitations their father can not be under the influence of any alcoholic beverages. It doesn’t matter that his girlfriend is there, your children’s visitations are not with her they are with their father and HE needs to be sober.
You need to take him to court, and they will not allow him to drink in front of the kids, and if he does, he will be in trouble. I promise you that you will get custoday with him getting visitation. He will also have to pay child support which would be nice.
This sounds very unhealthy for the kids. And scary! If he had the flu, you would not let your kids visit him. This is no different. If he wants to see the kids, he needs to be sober. It is great the girlfriend can keep them safe but Iquestion her sanity in being involved with this drunk! So who is to say even SHE does nto have a screw loose. For the safety and well being of your children, keep them away from thei Dad until he can remain sober, reliable and consistent. He can visit them under supervision but not alone
If you are worried for your children’s safety then the answer should be pretty simple…… DON’T LET THEM GO!!!! You need to get an attorney and take this to court so you have the legal right to make him have supervised visitation or whatever will keep your children safe. I understand you thinking the kids need to see their father, however, it doesn’t sound like he’s all that interested since he can have them basically any time he wants and only chooses every other weekend and gets drunk when he should be spending quality time with his children. Take it from someone who grew up with an alcoholic, his aggressive behavior(throwing things out on the lawn and fighting in front of the kids) will only escalate unless he chooses to get help for his addiction. And as much as you think you’re hurting your children by not letting them see their dad, you will be hurting them worse but continuing to subject them to that situation.